The Yin to my Yin
by evilratty
Summary: This is my first attempt at a fanfiction story. It begins with Kratos's memories of Anna and Lloyd, but later you'll find it's about Kratos and Sheena, both broken characters who need someone to understand them. Their similarities will bring them togeter.
1. Painful Memories

Painful Memories

"Let's stay here tonight, and set out for the Tower of Salvation in the morning," I say, my voice void of emotion, as usual. Strange, but I would think that now, this night just before I am to betray my constant companions of the last few months, betray… my son… even some hint of feeling would slip into my words. But here I am, acting as though tomorrow is just another ordinary day, perilous as ordinary may be for us, despite the fact that I am revealing my true self to these people I have been deceiving for so long now. It is so easy to adopt a cool-headed semblance of indifference, though even now, after so much time, the whole ridiculous reality of things makes my head spin.

Of course, my loyalties do not lie with these people. They are too pure of heart, too naïve and innocent to understand the truth. The Seraphim, my companions of old, they are to whom I am tied. We began this journey for power and indomitability together, and we shall end it together. Four thousand years is too long to throw away on some expendable humans. I learned that the hard way eighteen years ago, when I lost my final sense of humanity.

I glance over at Lloyd, so much like his mother, driven to do good no matter the cost to himself. He is becoming a fine man, but it is through no act of mine. He hasn't been my son since the slaughter of poor Anna.

I feel my face contort in pain as I picture the slender young woman reaching out to me, eyes pleading for help, yet words begging me to go. I see her rocking her child, see her plant a farewell kiss on his head, tears coursing down her cheeks.

_She steps close to me. The scent of softness fills my head. "Kratos, please take him and go. They do not want him, only me. Hide yourself, you will be free. Go…" I cut her off as I embrace her, my arms around her and her child… my child. How did I let this happen? No ties to humanity, that was the rule. They punished me and stole her away, her and the boy, and now they were killing her with that stupid Angelus project. Anna's thin fingers stroke my cheek, face turned up to meet mine. I am frozen there, unable to move. I cannot lose her, I cannot lose Anna. The tears I thought dried up thousands of years before now crept down my face. "Anna," I moan. Her lips meet mine for but a second._

"_Kratos, you must go."_

"_No, I can't leave you, I think I might die." I bury my face in her hair. "Come with me," I beg. I let out my wings and softly rise into the air a few feet, carefully enshrining Anna and the thin limbed boy in my arms._

"_They will find us." Her voice is miserable, but in her eyes I see a dim ray of hope, strengthening as I answer her._

"_I will keep us safe. I will not let them take you again." With that, she clutches herself to me like a child, and I take off. "I will keep you safe."_

_We make it no farther than the forest when everything ends. I feel Anna's hands dig into my shirt. I stop suddenly and lower myself to the ground. She stumbles from my arms. "What's wrong, Anna?" My voice is dripping with fear._

"_The baby… Take the… the baby." I do so, and reach out to support her as well. She jerks back, shaking. My eyes follow her every move. Lloyd's eyes widen and he whimpers. "Shh," I chasten, and he quiets immediately._

_Anna's body jerks spasmadically and her face grows pale. She moans softly, then bites her lip. Suddenly, everythings clicks into place. Exbelula!_

"_Anna, you need to listen to me. The exsphere is doing this to you, but we can stop it. There is a dwarf very near to here who can counter the force that is sickening you. We must hurry. Can you hold on to me just a little longer?" I see her nod, and scoop her up. It is now I who clutches to her as though I were the child, as I change direction and fly urgently to the dwarf's abode. I keep a clear mind, but my heart feels like a lead weight, filled with the fear that it is too late. When I pass the ranch, a cold laugh twists my insides. "It is too late now," hisses that voice in my ear, whether real or imagined I do not know. "Too late… you cannot save her… you killed her…" I move even faster, using every last ounce of energy hoarded in my soul._

_It is too late._

_I drop to the ground; Lloyd's arms squeeze my neck. Anna's body is transforming before my eyes. An inhuman cry bursts forth from her lips. "Kratos, kill me…" It is the last time she will ever say my name._

_Her limbs harden and elongate; her clothing rips. Her skin toughens and is flooded with blue ridges. I stumble backward, then turn and set the child on the ground at the base of a tree. I can't let him see Anna like this; he must remember her as the perfect young woman she is. "Close your eyes, Lloyd. Close your eyes and cover your ears. Do not look, do not listen."_

"_Daddy," he whispers, and my insides twist._

"_Please, Lloyd, just listen to me." He does as I ask, and I face her once more._

_Long claws protrude from swollen fingers; neck and head have morphed into one. She towers over me, arms reaching the ground. There is nothing to be done. Once an exbelula, there is no turning back._

_A long arm snakes forward and knocks me to the ground. I lay there, stunned, as she turns from me. I can barely watch her leave, but no tears pour forth this time. I think to let her go, but it is not to be. The next blow is aimed for the child. I spring to my feet and draw my sword. "Forgive me!" I shout, and plunge the blade deep into her back. She collapses without a sound._

_I stare at the sword in my hand, dripping with thick, red blood. It falls onto my hands and stains my shirt. I hardly notice. I want so much to fall to my knees and hold her to me, stroke her, kiss her, but I am numb and cannot move._

_Murderer. I am a murderer. It does not strike me that I have killed many times before, they do not matter, only Anna matters and Anna is no more. I ended this precious life… I stole her soul._

_A rustle in the trees… a long blue and white face peers at me. It is Noishe, the dog Anna liked to call her own, though he often disappeared from our little home and roamed the woods alone. He looks at me mournfully, and begins to howl._

"_Mangy beast!" I hear someone shout. I glance down the hill, and see the dwarf trudging up towards me, coming to investigate, no doubt. I stoop and kiss Anna's hand one final time. As I do, I notice the slight rise and fall of her chest. She lives! But her eyes are clouded and I know she won't be here long. "Goodbye," I whisper. I go to the tree and reach for Lloyd… but I cannot do it. I murdered Anna, his mother, poor Anna. I could not raise a child. The dwarf would find him. Even life with a dwarf would surely be better than having a murderer for a father. He is not mine. He is hers._

"_I love you, Lloyd, goodbye." I let out my wings and slowly lift off the ground._

_Noishe crawls out from the bushes on his belly and licks Anna's face. Giving that up, he goes to stand guard over the child. I hover just above the trees as I wait for the dwarf to arrive, when he does, he cries out in shock. He goes to Anna, his ear close to her mouth. A faint whisper catches my ears and my heart wrenches in pain. The dwarf's head turns to fall upon my – no, _her_ son, and he gets clumsily to his feet to go to him. Lloyd's hands are pressed hard against his ears, and his eyes are still squeezed shut tight. Tears have dampened his cheeks, but he has not made a sound._

_The dwarf reaches out to the boy and touches his arm; only now does he open his eyes and let his hands fall. He looks at the dwarf, then past him to the bulky blue and white form sprawled on the ground, but thankfully he does not understand. Behind him, the dog whines._

"_A'right, boy, Lloyd, is it? You're gonna have to come with me." He tries to pick up Lloyd, but the boy dodges his arms._

"_No," he says, voice hoarse, then louder, "No! No!" He looks around wildly. "Momma! Daddy! Daddy!!" Each cry pounds at my ears, and I push away the feeling that I am betraying him. But no, this is the only way. The dwarf tries to quieten him, to no avail. "Daddy! Momma! Daddy!" He is fairly screaming now. The boy looks up, and sees me watching him. I put a finger to my lips, urging him to be quiet, and the cries instantly break off. But Lloyd does not give up; he jumps to his feet and runs towards me, until he stands directly beneath me. He reaches up his arms, tears pouring down his cheeks, eyes wide with the comprehension that he is being abandoned nudging at the edge of his mind, but he refuses to accept it. His expression is of pure terror._

_I cannot bare to watch anymore. I fly away to rot. A single tear slides down my cheek, tracing the same lines Anna's fingers did a mere hour before._

I have not cried a tear since.


	2. Bold Words

"Hey Kratos, you okay?" I unclench my fists and take a deep breath, composing my face into my usual emotionless mask.

"There is no cause for worry. I am mrely planning the best route to the Tower." I turn to face Sheena Fujibayashi, a young girl from Tethe'alla travelling with our group. I knew it unwise to allow this would-be assassin to join us, but I did not offer my opinion. I did so with the thought that as long as she remains docile and does not threaten the Jounrney of Regeneration, she might be a source of information for me whilst I am deprived of correspondence with my usual circle.

Sheena still watches me from the corner of her eye. "I just thought maybe you didn't look so good. You shouldn't worry about tomorrow. We've handled worse than this. It's just another fight."

"Is it?" I murmur. I give a short bark of mirthless laughter; not even I could not deny that as plain admittance of my fear of tomorrow's outcome. Not even I.

"Maybe you're right. Our luck has been too good lately." She broke off meditatively. "You know, I think Colette suspects the same. She seems off. 'Course, it could just be that she's no longer an incessant stream of babbling."

"Yes, things certainly are quieter as of late." Lloyd's closest friend, Colette Brunel, has lost the ability to speak in order to complete the Journey of Regeneration.

"I don't know though. I mean, Raine worrying is one thing. But Colettes's never down in the mouth."

"I agree. The Chosen is always peculiarly optimistic." We observe a moment of silent thought. So many years I've spent numb, and now I find myself inexplicably dreading the dawn. I wish this had all stayed dead and buried, along with all my memories. I should never have returned to Iselia. Being in Lloyd's presence has trudged up a tumult of unwelcome recollections of that brief period beginning eighteen years ago. How like Anna he is!

I glance at the Mizuhoan girl before me; she is the polar opposite of Lloyd, of Anna. Her constant moody, clouded expression; her pessimistic view of the world; her quick jump to defense. She lacks the surefootedness of Lloyd brought about by his black-and-white world where the only option is to do good. Both desire to do good, to be good people, but she does not know quite how to go about it. If she hadn't such a temper, one might say she is rather like me.

Sheena's dark eyes hold pain behound her years, whereas Anna's son's barely touch the surface of negative emotions. His world is a steady one without betrayal, one of justice and love. One of which I will never be a part, by my own doing. I will never be more than a mercenary to him.

My heart skips a beat; how quickly I forget the plan! Tomorrow I will deal Lloyd perhaps the deepest blow he has ever felt, perhaps even deeper than the abandonment in his childhood, for tomorrow, I betray him and his friends. The Chosen's body will become a vessel for a woman who should by all rights be long dead by now… long as me, in fact. Colette will be lost inside. Lloyd's eyes, I will be the mercenary-turned-backstabber who must be sought out for revenge.

"He doesn't hate you, you know." My eyes snap from Lloyd to Sheena, who is still in front of me, leaning against the fence. She, too, slides her gaze away from Lloyd, until it meets mine. "It just upsets him that you think so little of him."

I begin to force out a coherent response. "My opinion should be of no concern to – "

"It's not true though. You might speak harshly, but I've seen pride in your eyes when you look at him. You criticize and judge, as though he needs any more reason to feel unworthy beside you, but you're just covering the reality of things, aren't you?"

"These are bold words, indeed. It has been long since someone has spoken thus to me. You are very perceptive, Summoner, perhaps too much so for one woman."

Sheena nods, the expression of her face unaltered. A look of sudden understanding. "The look in your eyes you hide when you think we're watching… it's almost like you've found your long-lost son…

"But that's just one woman, right?" Sheena grins at me. The arrival of Genis Sage eliminates the need for me to exclaim about the preposterous nature of that statement.

"Hey guys, the soup's done." The boy glances from me to Sheena and back again; perhaps he sees something in our faces and interprets it incorrectly, for he backs away and dashes back down the path to the shack. I can feel my forehead tight with creases; Sheena's face is placid for once.

"Shall we?" I ask. She walks to my side, and we begin to stroll back to Hima Inn. I know that by the time we reach it, Sheena's features will once more be pinched into an angry, defensive mask, and I will have once more collected myself into my emotionless semblance. At least I will have one small relief with the termination of this charade tomorrow, for these bold words will certainly come to no good.

x

I know I seem withdrawn to my companions. As the night draws nearer, thoughts of the past few months have filled my mind. The exchanges that passed between Lloyd and myself stand out most clearly. I never gave any more interest than that of a man giving advice to a younger counterpart, did I? I've been so careful to avoid any bonding. I've acknowledged to myself that he has become a good man, but when did I ever suggest that to anyone else?

I pace the floor restlessly. How could Sheena have guessed at my most deadly secret?

I halt suddenly, one foot still raised to continue my traversement of the inn's small room. What if... what if... I can not even think it. But I must confront this problem. What if Sheena told Lloyd? What if he thought... but no, it cannot be!

"I am going out for some air," I tell the room at large, but no one responds. I glance around, and see that the boys, Lloyd and Genis, have already fallen asleep. I shut the door quietly.

Noishe joins me, nuzzling my hand. I walk up the short path to reach the plateau's top, deep in thought. The dog leaves my side, and I sigh and sit down.

"Couldn't sleep?" I jump to my feet and have my sword drawn in half a second at the voice. I turn to see it is only Sheena, sitting with her legs crossed off to my left. "Damn, you're fast," she says, not moving.

I sheath my sword with another sigh. "I have to be, to live my life." I walk over and sit beside her. "Have you been up here long?"

"No, Raine just only fell asleep a few minutes ago; I came up right after that. I couldn't sleep."

"Nor could I." Noishe lays down at my feet, and a silence falls over the mountain. No animal sounds disturb the black night. Sheena strokes Noishe with sad eyes.

Eventually, Sheena speaks. "I was right, wasn't I? You're Lloyd's real father." She takes my silence as an affirmation, for I do not bother trying to deny it. "I won't say anything. I just have one question."

I nod slowly.

"Why did you leave him with Dirk?" Everyone knows that Lloyd was raised by the dwarf, who found him beside his dying mother. They know that his father killed his mother. So why not ask why I killed her?

"I was broken, numb. I could not raise a child. What if I let something happen to him to? He was better off with the dwarf." As I say the words aloud for the first time, I realize how cowardly they sound. "It was my fault his mother died. I killed her! It wasn't safe to keep him, it was irresponsible!" I sound like I am pleading for someone, anyone, to understand me, pleading to be forgiven.

"I understand," she says, surprising me. "To yourself, your mistakes make you who you are. People might brush them off, but you cannot. They live with you, consume you." I realize she is not just speaking of me, but of herself as well. "Your actions alone are what make you or break you."

"Look at us," I say. "Two broken people who belong in another life, who messed up too badly to fix things. Sitting here with a dog so old he should be dead." _I guess that goes for me, too. Four thousand years is a bit too long to be alive._

"Yeah. I guess we're quite a bit alike, aren't we?" It was more of a statement than a question.

"Yeah, I guess we are."


	3. A Touch of Insanity

A Touch of Insanity

Days have passed, yet it keeps playing over and over in my mind – the confrontation with Lloyd after seeing Yuan in Hima, then his angry shouts at me in the Tower of Salvation. How is this possible? I have hurt so many people, more than one hundred generations' worth, but never has anything affected me so deeply as the pain in Lloyd's eyes as Colette stared from blank eyes and he turned to me, save the obvious time fourteen years ago. Every single one of his words stung more than the last. I still smart from it, for it is a festering wound, worsening as the hours slowly drag.

And what fatherly advice I gave before disappearing on a dragon's back to kill his closest friend: Don't die, Lloyd. A perfect fool I made of myself.

At least I didn't murder the poor boy.

This goes on for days. I cannot focus, all I can think of is how wrong it felt to betray my – to betray Anna's son. But I did not! It was the plan! It would have occurred regardless if Lloyd was there! How else would the Journey go, but for the Chosen to become Martel's vessel? Still, no tears fall; I am safe.

Finally I can stand it no longer. It is not yet dawn, but I do not care. My wings are already glittering at my back, for I have had no purpose to hide them, so I stumble to the wall and throw myself from the window.

I let myself fall as the seconds pass… three… four… fiive… then a gust of wind catches my wings and my weight evens out. I rise, then shoot into the air. I do not look back at the Tower of Salvation.

It is with a heavy heart that I drop, exhausted, just outside of Luin over eighteen hours later. Even with the advantage of height and speed granted me after four thousand years of angelic life, I caught not a glimpse of the familiar red outfit or a shock of silvery white hair, no giddy laugh or huge pink bow. I scanned the fields, searched every town; I even flew over the forest. What could I have missed?

"Missing something?" I knew the voice before it even reached my ears.

"Yuan."

His perfect laughter fills the air for a moment. "What did you think would come of this, old friend? The boy cannot believe what you did. The way he speaks of all this makes one suspect he thought of you quite highly."

I ignore Yuan's jibes.

"You know, that boy is making things very difficult for us. We had him right where we needed him, and he escaped from us. Him and all his insolent friends. He's the worst of them; doesn't know when to hold his tongue."

Still, I say nothing.

"You're on assignment, Kratos. Find the boy and his friends. We want that boy back, and we want the girl dead."

Only now do I respond. "Yuan, we are no longer on the same side. You should know I know all about your little Renegade project. I will not find them for you." Strange, but I find I don't care in the least that I am speaking to him of such things without consulting Yggdrassill. I could upset the careful, tense balance we are holding. I do not care.

"What's this? Have you grown _fond_ of them? Have you developed human feelings for the boy?" He laughs again, but this time his words pierce my heart, my long-dead heart.

"We are done here, Yuan." I rise a few feet into the air and fly towards Luin.

"One last thing, old friend," he calls out, something in his voice changed. "Do not forget to search the skies.

The skies… something stirs in my dulled mind.

x

My mind is telling me to abandon everything and head for Tethe'alla to beg the boy's forgiveness and try to explain. That over anything else, over the questions the angels at Derris-Kharlan would be burning with, over my exhausted state, over anything, keeps me in Luin for the rest of the night. I manage to sleep for a little less than an hour, then resume pacing the lttle upstairs room of the inn. The blood is pounding is my ears; my freezing fingers are gripped together with all the force I can muster. My eyes dart about the room. Crazy thoughts flood through me. My heart beats out of rhythm, and my pacing quickens.

x

I find myself floating mere inches above a large pool of water; looking up without much interest, I realize I am at the very center of Lake Umacy. I don't remember leaving the inn, but here I am. My heart feels like it is rent into a million pieces, like half those pieces have stopped beating. The pieces that are still beating don't really know what to do.

Lloyd's face shimmers across the water. I shake my head, and it disappears. It is a futile gesture, however, for now the hurt face is stamped in my mind once more, accusing me of so much, not even half of what I deserve, yet so much. A moan escapes my lips, and I raise my hands to my head and squeeze, anything to rid myself of that face, anything. I fly to the edge of the water, then stop short; with barely a second's pause, I go off in another direction. Again, I halt and change direction, gathering speed as I go. I grow dizzy as I shoot back and forth across the surface of the lake, stirring up the water as my feet skim the surface.

Out of nowhere, I stop, chest heaving, wings quivering. My teeth chatter, bang together.

x

I throw back my head and scream, wishing all the world could hear.

x

This must be what it feels like to go insane.

x

The cry of pain is cut off as suddenly as it began. Everything seems to stop, even time holding still. Everything, everything, but the pain. My wings are still behind me catching the fading starlight from all sides, even beneath as it is reflected off the water, but for the first time in four thousand years, they fail me. I drop like a stone into a lake.

x

Water surges into my lungs, but it is as though I am merely an observer. I do not resurface until nearly a minute has passed. I float to the bank, and all is dark.

x

When I awaken, the stars are long gone, replaced by Aska's sun suspended high in the sky. I sit up stiffly. It is warm out, but the light breeze throws my body into a fierce shiver. I find I am still soaked through.

"Enough is enough," I say aloud. The words are weaker than I intended, due to the hoarseness with which they were spoken. I clear my throat. "This has gone far enough."

I allow myself but a few minutes recuperation, having lost much precious time sleeping as it is. I spend an hour in flight due west, then resort to weary travel by foot as I near both civilization and my destination; the walk south will surely be a long one.

After a final short flight I arrive. Above me looms the Tower of Salvation, the accursed Tower of Salvation, the core of self-doom. With an inaudible sigh, I enter.

A few moments later, I step out once more, but though I pass through the same doorway, it is the sunlight of a different world I blink from my eyes. I hesitate a moment, but cool logic forces its way to the front of my mind.

"Well, the sooner I start, the sooner I can get this over with. This is why I'm here, after all," I reason to myself, and I boldly rise into the air of Tethe'alla to finish my search.


End file.
